It started with an ending- to my 20’s that is. For the most part, I managed to blithely ignore the reality of turning 30, feigning ignorance to the inevitable turning point in which the phrase “I’m still only in my 20’s” would soon become superfluous and comical. I couldn’t help lament the woman I thought I would be at this point in life. Where was the well-traveled, successful, fitness-obsessed, power woman- the woman I had sworn to be BEFORE 30 became my present? Thoughts like this tumbled over each other in their hurry to incite a full-on panic attack. So, through years of practice and force of will, the shredded part of myself stopped and, in a high-pitched voice, requested the calmer part of my psyche to take the wheel.
I found a consistent thought pattern following a hefty dose of introspection, a moderate amount of cabernet, and long brooding hours under a weighted blanket. This pattern had kept me from achieving what I felt would be a more thorough representation of the “me” I had always aspired to. Most of this pattern was made of the I’ll-do-it-later vortex. This was a place where I could throw out promises to myself and watch as they sank into the depths of a metaphorical toilet bowl (where promises eternally spiral and occasionally resurface).
The vortex was on the periphery of my awareness, hiding in the open like a malicious, quiet little leech waiting to strike when my guard was down. Picture it – each time I told myself anything from “I’m going to start working out every day” to “I will only drink one glass of wine a week”- Bam! That vortex would sidle into the side of my innocent-bystander-brain and slowly starting sucking away at any of those promises like a pasta noodle. Slurp-slurp-slurp! And, in the moments I was at my weakest- a hard day at work, a crappy date, a lonely night missing family- it would take all of those promises and swallow them down as though they had never been. From there, it was easy for my brain to convince me whatever promises I made to myself didn’t matter. We could try again next week, next month, or never- because what stupid promises they were anyways.
Obviously, the vortex isn’t real. But, it’s a visual representation of where I imagine each of my promises to myself has been lost. And each time they resurface in that vortex is a metaphor for my promise popping up in life for a day or two here and there (a half-assed effort to get back to it). So, now I knew who was at fault for my lack of personal achievement- myself and my self-created vortex. The next step following this revelation was simple enough: destroy the vortex. Then, create a new version of myself that I could admire the next time a decade of life passed me by.
While most rational people would employ a professional psychiatrist to delve their way through this miasma of complication, I went for door number two. That door being: books. It didn’t take me long to realize that the abundance of available self-help literature options is almost overwhelming, to a help-less degree. Despite that, I persevered, spending hours researching, synopsis-skimming, and trudging through any number of raving to scathing reviews. Eventually, I found one book in the vastness of the kindle universe that would prove ideal for my science-oriented mentality. It was called Atomic Habits by James Clear. I am not here to write what would genuinely be a praising review for this book, especially when I understand that self-improvement methods are not cut-and-dry. A book that may have helped me may not help you. Therefore, my summary will be a single quote. “Improvements are only temporary until they become part of who you are. The most effective way to change your habits is to focus not on what you want to achieve, but on who you wish to become.” An effortless stand-alone statement that flawlessly encompassed my own life-long pursuit of lasting self-amelioration. Eureka!
Frankly, I realize that hundreds if not thousands of times that quote has been said and resaid. But in that moment, it hit me like a baseball to the head, whereas before it had likely fallen against me like snow. I realized then that the labels I had for myself were hindering who I wanted to become. Calling myself “the person who quits after a few days,” “the person who doesn’t keep promises to herself,” “the person who has no follow-through” were hindering my own growth. With all of these negative thoughts about myself, I had to flip them into something that represented the person I wanted to be, and stopped representing the living embodiment of the vortex.
So, first I put my goals on paper, one after the other: learn Spanish, get in shape and stop spending my ‘bored hours’ snacking unnecessarily, write more frequently (in a journal, online, anywhere), seek knowledge every day, and be more patient (I knew this one would be the hardest). While each was moderately simple, throughout the years, I had failed and failed again to achieve any of them consistently, every day. With that list in mind, the next step was to create my new self-mantra, my identity-shift, that would bring these aspirations to fruition. I picked 6 statements for my new mantra to indicate the person I would become (others can pick two, or three, or one, who cares as long as you have a goal for the new version of you):
- I am a patient person
- I am a healthy person who eats well
- I am bilingual
- I am a writer
- I am a knowledge-seeker
- I am a runner
Of course, there would always be more to add to that list as each new piece of myself turned into a habit. But if I attempted to shift myself by too much, it would go the way of a house of cards in a stiff breeze, and I would be right back to where I started, and the vortex would have won yet again.
The hard part came after I chose my top six mantras. The hard part was telling myself they were REAL each day I opened my eyes and believing it. Because I am at my best in the morning, I scheduled most of the more fun mantras for that time of day. Specifically, practicing my Spanish (I am bilingual repeated over and over in my mind), writing in a journal or typing a potential blog idea on my computer (I am a writer echoing with each swipe of key or pen), and catching up on the latest in veterinary medicine (I am a knowledge-seeker). After telling myself that I am a healthy person, I would eat a healthy-start-to-the-day breakfast and go for a run (I am a runner, I am a runner, I am a runner).
Unfortunately, like any habit, there were (and still are) setbacks to contend with. A day spent sitting on the couch eating chocolate cake and binge-watching Sex in the City without opening a veterinary book or running a single mile. Another day yelling at the idiot car in front of me and rolling my eyes at the slow-moving couple at the grocery store who are blocking my favorite coffee k-pods. I am patient continues to be the hardest mantra to consistently adhere to. But, eventually, the mantra’s reverberated in my head like the gentle chime of a clock. And absent any conscious effort, it has gotten easier and more comfortable to adhere to my self-rituals without pause.
Now, on the days when I forget a Spanish lesson, don’t want to run, or have a moment of impatience, my brain begins to feel the wrongness in these acts of stagnancy. Like an itch that I can’t reach unless I do that one specific thing that makes the sentence “I am ____” the truth.
(Think of it like the pattern you have when you shower. You always do it the same way each time, just out of habit. But, imagine you turn the shower off, get dressed, only to realize you forgot to wash your face with that particular facial scrub. To avoid an all-day brain-mosquito buzzing about what you didn’t do in your routine, you have to get back in the shower and fix this. That brain-mosquito became my companion when any choice I made went against the mantras I told myself each day).
There will always be days when my self-amelioration process stumbles. A day here or there when the vortex finds a little tiny foot hold. That’s just life, and it’s just a day, and so long as my mantras hold the vortex will continue to lose overall. Because I will try again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. I will remind myself that I am the person I already wish to be, and I will prove it for the rest of my life.
So, there you have it. After 30 years on earth, I may have found my secret to being the best version of myself. I hope by reading this, someone out there has gained something that will help them, too.
You are a dancer. You are an artist. You love vegetables. You are a good friend. You are giving. You care about the earth. You are a soccer star. Whatever it is, find your mantra, and make it your truth.
Until next time.
Whitney
Veterinary Limbo 