Imposter Syndrome – a conversation in professional inadequacy

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You’re a professional. Through years of schooling and training, you can now call yourself something more than just the name your parents gave you. Rigorous course work and daily assignments made you more than just your original self- you’re doctor, a nurse, an engineer, a chef, a computer scientist, an entrepreneur, a government official- whatever you are, you earned it. Or so you were taught. But, what happens when you enter your field? You’re out on your own, and begin the complicated task of delving into what it means to have this fancy new title. And while you do this, people are watching you, there are clients asking your advice, messaging you for help, asking for your guidance, and trusting that you know exactly what the hell it is you are doing and talking about. Somewhere along the way, you start to ask yourself if you’re the right person for this job…

My first week as a veterinarian was not pretty. By writing this blog, I will pop the bubble you probably put around me and every other licensed professional- believing that from birth (after school birth, I mean), we know everything we’re supposed to, and the term ‘fly by the seat of your pants’ would absolutely NEVER apply to us. If you’re one of those people, and you wish to keep all professionals in that pretty little place where we are still unreachable and all-knowing, please stop reading now. Because, my sweet friend, things are about to get real.

So far, my first job as a veterinarian has still been the best job I’ve ever had- I have to preface with that statement because I need you to know that it got better, after it was horrible for a couple of weeks. This clinic was a specialty practice consisting of a highly skilled Criticalist (basically an emergency veterinarian that trained for FOUR extra years AFTER vet school to be able to specialize in ER medicine), several other skilled and seasoned ER emergency doctors, and finally, me. I was lucky enough to be hired as another emergency doctor (a complete dream to be honest) working and learning alongside such an amazing team. Though, you can imagine how daunting it was to enter this facility as a baby graduate. Fresh off the assembly line, holding my shiny new stethoscope, and wearing my first-time-washed scrubs that had never seen feces or vomit in their short little life (after a few days, this would change). Well, suffice it to say, I was so far out of my league, but the world was sparkles and joy and new knowledge, what could go wrong?

Anyways, now that I have prepared you for what you can imagine is a top-notch veterinary medical facility- enter me. That first day began with a patient experiencing respiratory problems (my fellow doctors were kind enough to let me slowly dip my feet in, and gave me only a couple cases for the day). Well, this patient was a bull dog which in emergency medicine terms is the equivalent of a ticking time- bomb. Thankfully, this patient was stable, and I had no clue what was wrong. I did every diagnostic within reason, and eventually after struggling my way through, concluded some sort of tracheal irritation, and sent the owner on his way with antibiotics and cough medication… after taking three hours to decide that’s what needed to be done. Unfortunately, the next few cases didn’t go much smoother, and owners were getting more irritated with my apparent incompetence. Dog attack and my first laceration ever- 4 hours, vomiting- three hours, various small oddments- several more hours… Repeat this day but multiply the cases by two or three, and I was a drowning little baby minnow in a very big pond.  Scrambling for help, unable to sleep at night wondering if I had done the right thing for each of those patients, falling further and further behind, records unfinished, 14 to 16 hour days. It was like that awful dream you have where you’re running as hard as you can but your legs are stuck in sludge and the slow-motion hits and you can’t outrun the unknown thing chasing you. It was pretty much the most awful few weeks ever and I had never felt more out of place and less prepared for the rest of my life.

After a while, I got better and with the help of some wonderfully patient colleagues, and no longer ended my day with tears and frustration (much).  That year was the best way I could think (in retrospect) to be introduced to medicine, or any profession really- jump right in and hope you eventually figure out how to swim. And, that steady daily improvement that grows with each new patient, still continues to this day at a new emergency clinic. I have figured out how to be a doctor of veterinary medicine. How to meet critical patients and owner aggression with compassion, knowledge, and persistence- but I still end every day wondering what I could have done better, and if I deserve to do what I do.

I’m going to say the thing that I’m not supposed to say as a professional of any kind. I am scared constantly. Every night that I enter that building where patient lives are in my hands, and every morning when I leave, I wonder if I did everything right, and was I the best person for the job? That type A profile is so on par with what we think we are supposed to be- constantly perfect, ideal work ethic, all-knowing. FLAWLESS. And that expectation, the unsaid version of what we are supposed to be as professionals in our field, and the question of whether or not it’s actually true- imposter syndrome-  is a weight on our shoulders every minute of every day. So long as others depend on us for guidance, information, help- it’s right there.

Imposter syndrome- the persistent inability to believe that one’s success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one’s own efforts or skills. Look at that, there is even a definition for it, which surprised me to tell you the truth because no one talks about it, no one is supposed to admit that this is a part of our daily lives. Because who would depend on us then? We are supposed to be nothing less than omniscient in our field, how dare we become human and admit to faults and insecurities in the light of day?

Some of my harder days at work usually end with me wondering what the hell I’m doing with my life. A lot of the time, it seems like a mistake was made and I’m playing at being a doctor, that it was a fluke that I passed vet school, made it through clinics, passed my examinations, and am actually doing fairly well in this profession. Sometimes, I think about Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the Rye (one of the few books I remember reading in high school that stuck with me)- I think he would despise me for an absolute phony, but only when I’m feeling like a phony would he notice it… But, I wonder, don’t we all feel like that sometimes? Almost as if we are playing at our chosen profession, and someday, someone, somewhere, a Holden Caulfield is going to look at us and say “who the hell do you think you are? You’re not even a real *insert title here* are you?! You don’t deserve this, leave, now, and don’t ever pretend to be something you’re not again.” And that’s where we see our imaginary selves hang their heads and silently agree to the thing they had been wondering at all along. That, my dear friends, is imposter syndrome. It’s unhealthy, damaging, and so purely human that we actually really do need it in our lives.

That last sentence was weird, right? Why do we need something so negative and caustic wreaking havoc to the already fragile state our profession has gifted us with? Because it keeps us pushing to prove that syndrome wrong- that challenge lives purely inside of us, it’s not something you find elsewhere. No Mr. Caulfield is going to come along and say such wretched things to you (at least, I hope not). That feeling of inadequacy is entrenched in every professional, or it should be, because it grounds us in reality of our situation- that reality is that we are not ever going to be perfect, but we can strive for it. Every time we meet a client, get challenged by a question, stumble and fail- we will be reaching towards that version of ourselves, the one that deserves to be in this profession, deserves to leave a beautiful scar on the world, one that will make a difference even if it’s to one person, one animal, one anything.

So, every time you find yourself questioning who you are and where you are, remember that self-doubt is your heart pushing you for more. You are by no means inadequate, you proved that by making it to where you are today. The last time I felt that sense of complete hopelessness, that lack of worth in my own knowledge, I talked to someone who had done this for years longer than myself. And you know what? Talking helped, it straightened my jumbled, faithless, discontented mind out, and helped me find where I went wrong and what I did right. From there, I found the motivation to keep improving. And it will happen again, and I’ll need to talk it out again, but every time I feel myself getting closer to the doctor I want to be and the doctor my patients and their owners deserve. Imposter syndrome will always be there, and I’m slowly learning through trial and error to see it as a tool to make me better every time I step onto that hospital floor. Don’t forget to do the same.

Until next time.

Whitney